Tonight I am back at Higher Groundz, one of my favorite coffee shops in SLO. It is a good place to study. I should be studying, what with the French midterm tomorrow, the senior project introduction due Friday.
But I need to write something in my native language. So hello, WordPress. I am overwhelmed, underwhelmed. Here comes some “verbal” processing. The Lord has been leading me so well, directing my steps as I remain in him. Here’s an example:
Today I sat in the UU plaza with Caellin and Lyse and got the WORST sunburn of the year It’s not real cute. Anyway, we talked about our weekends, and I soaked up all the wisdom I could from Caellin as she explained her experiences of ministry partner development (MPD) to Lyse and I. Later, after a brief intermission of French literature, I came back to the UU plaza to meet with Megan to talk about support raising for her summer project to Tokyo. I felt really inadequate talking with her, because I am dealing with so much doubt in the are of the Lord’s provision lately. To be honest, my emotions feel just like the skin on my back: dry, itchy, burned, uncomfortable. I’m over-cooked with all of the information that my mind marinates in after a weekend full of good, albeit overwhelming details of MPD.
It turns out that the Lord blessed my conversation with Megan, who brings joy to my life through her willingness to follow the Lord’s call to Tokyo. Talking with Megan was just what I needed to remember all of the truths the Lord has been teaching me lately about how to trust in him to fight for me. Deut. 2-3, 1 Kings 17, Philippians 4 just kept coming to mind as we talked. Towards the end of our conversation, Ashley, a team member from the Invisible Children roadies came to up to us and we talked for a bit about Invisible Children and life. After a few minutes of chatting, Ashley shared with us about how she recently stayed with a missionary family in Orange County, where she was blown away by the way they lived their lives completely off of financial support from ministry partners.
I was blown away too. This story, unsolicited from a complete stranger was a breath of fresh air into my sunburned day. Thank goodness for aloe vera and encouragement from sisters in Christ.
Ashely is great. Check out her video….she’s legit:
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. (Phil 4:12)
This is what I ask the Lord to teach me this day. I know that I can ask him for what I want, but the true desire of my heart is not for my own wants but for his. My heart aches over my own desires. I am blinded by what I want, so much so that sometimes I can’t even see where my blessed Lord is leading me.
Here’s my delimma…I’m supposed to ask him for what I want. How much can I want and yet be content at the same time? I don’t understand this at all. My prayer is that the Lord would shape my desires to line up with his, that I might be content where I am, rejoicing in who he has made me.
I don’t want to wish my life away, chasing a desire of my heart while missing out on the good gifts the Lord has given me for this day. It is so hard. I am tired. It’s so much easier to just pine away sometimes. Sometimes like right now. I feel my fleshy-ness so much in moments such as these.
Has the Lord revealed truth to you about this? How has he taught you about your desires, about contentment? I would love to hear about it.
I realize it has been a bit since I’ve written anything on here. Well, after a little hiatus, I am back.
Most noteworthy: I went to El Salv last week during my spring break. It was so good. I reconnected with friends that I haven’t seen since summer and fell in love once more with this miniscule Central American country. Spanish came even easier than it did last time. It was great to work alongside the Stint team and to get to know them more. As great as it was to be in El Salv with a team of 29 people from Poly, it was really strange to be there without the peeps from my summer project team. Overall, I loved my week there, and wouldn’t have chosen to spend my money or time any other way. The Lord has placed a special passion on my heart for the people of this country, and he whispers so gently and clearly into my heart while I am there. Will the future hold more trips to El Slav? Only my Savior knows. Needless to say, it was wonderful to be back.
In other news: school is so lame. I seriously detest it sometimes. I used to have this passion for learning and eagerly anticipated the start of a new quarter. I would listen to my professors in lecture, hanging on their every word, hoping that they would notice my excitement for their classes. Now I just sit there, ho-hum, watching the seconds tick away on the clock in the back of the room, hoping the professor doesn’t notice how frequently I turn my head and look backwards to check the time. I had to buy two tiny (around 200 p) French texts for about $250, and I can’t even really read them (because, let’s face it…I don’t really comprehend French). I have homework for the first time tonight, and I feel myself growing more and more apathetic towards the text. In this case, I’m not so happy to be back.
Economics update: back in the work force. Double timing. I’m starting to Nanny for two families here in SLO for just a few hours a week. Sophia, a 3 year old whose energy is only surpassed by her immense appetite should be a handful. After watching her last night, I had a nightmare that it was my responsibility to put her to bed. Oh dear. Cassius, a 3 week old boy is so tiny and so sweet. I hope I don’t break him when I hold him. Baby got back.
Forecast: finally submitted my application to Campus Crusade today. It’s official folks….I’m planning to intern with Crusade here in SLO after I graduate in December. I am excited/nervous/overjoyed/anxious/shaking in my boots. Ministry is my passion. I just love sharing the gospel. I just fear raising support. All of your prayers for my heart are appreciated. I trust a big God for big results. I really do believe that he loves me, that he has a marvelous plan for my life, and that this plan includes joining staff with Campus Crusade. After all of this time wandering away from his fold, making my own plans for the future; I’m following his lead as he calls me back.
I guess that’s all for now. My heart hurts today, and I’m not really sure why. I feel like I’m being refined. And I feel the tender touch of the Lord as he molds me into his image. He is protecting me from what could be big time heartache, and yet I still feel the pang of loss as I surrender my plans to him each day. It is good, hard, stressful, painful, lonely, exciting, satisfying, to be back.
I am so mad at Satan. He knows my weakness, knows how I crumble in the face of conflict. Grrr. I refuse to let him get the best of me today, to let him rule my emotions and thus my actions. I covet the prayers of the one person that reads this blog (who are you, by the way?).
I am so vulnerable, so broken right now, thanks to shattered emotional intimacy left in the wake of a break up. I drew so much of my identity from this man (who is a good guy, by the way…don’t get the wrong idea about him), and I relied on him for my value and my happiness, and a sort of false joy. I know true joy in this time, a joy that comes only from obeying the Lord. I also know true sorrow, rejection thanks to the fact that I’m single. I am angry at Satan, but I won’t let him rule my day!
I surrender my day to you, Lord. You are worthy of my praise and of my obedience. Your strength is made perfect in my weakness!
Also, read Annie Groves’ blog. It is the best thing ever. She is so wise. Her wisdom is really helping me hear from the Lord today.
It’s not real cute. Anyway, we talked about our weekends, and I soaked up all the wisdom I could from Caellin as she explained her experiences of ministry partner development (MPD) to Lyse and I. Later, after a brief intermission of French literature, I came back to the UU plaza to meet with Megan to talk about support raising for her summer project to Tokyo. I felt really inadequate talking with her, because I am dealing with so much doubt in the are of the Lord’s provision lately. To be honest, my emotions feel just like the skin on my back: dry, itchy, burned, uncomfortable. I’m over-cooked with all of the information that my mind marinates in after a weekend full of good, albeit overwhelming details of MPD.