focus

Here is what the focus of my life has become, and will continue to be for the next 5 weeks (thank goodness for the quarter system!):

Ah, Senior Project.

Heartbreak.

It happens to so many.  I somehow thought I was immune, that I wouldn’t feel the pain of a dying romance.  How wrong I was.  I read and was convicted by Rob Bell in his book Sex God:

Maybe you’re living in the wake of a relationship that fell apart [ahem].  You have to dig those moments up.  The parts that hurt and the awkward conversations and the anger and the failure and the misunderstanding and the betrayal.  You have to dig them up and acknowledge them before you are ever going to heal.

The danger is that you will decide it isn’t worth it.  Why risk if it’s going to hurt like this?  The tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to be built around your heart, and for something within you to die.

I don’t want something within me to die.  I don’t want to shut down.  So I sat down and I prayed.  Tears started to flow.  Tears of hot anger and frustration, disappointment and hurt, boiling over and cooling my flushed cheeks.  I need to risk, to feel what is going on around me so that the Lord who has called me to obey him can take me, mold me, use me.  My immunity to feeling was stripped away from me, and I felt vulnerable for the fist time in months.

Then my praises to the Creator began.  He loves me, has called me, and wants me to lay vulnerable at his feet, so that all I can do is rely on him.  He is my strength and my salvation.  He loves me, and whispers to me of this unfathomable love in amazing ways.  The sweetness of a sunrise, the prayer of a friend, the beauty of San Luis Obispo…just a few ways he shows me his love.  What a wonderful lover.  

It feels good to let it all out, lay it down at his nail scarred feet.

 

PS- read this: