I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. (Phil 4:12)
This is what I ask the Lord to teach me this day. I know that I can ask him for what I want, but the true desire of my heart is not for my own wants but for his. My heart aches over my own desires. I am blinded by what I want, so much so that sometimes I can’t even see where my blessed Lord is leading me.
Here’s my delimma…I’m supposed to ask him for what I want. How much can I want and yet be content at the same time? I don’t understand this at all. My prayer is that the Lord would shape my desires to line up with his, that I might be content where I am, rejoicing in who he has made me.
I don’t want to wish my life away, chasing a desire of my heart while missing out on the good gifts the Lord has given me for this day. It is so hard. I am tired. It’s so much easier to just pine away sometimes. Sometimes like right now. I feel my fleshy-ness so much in moments such as these.
Has the Lord revealed truth to you about this? How has he taught you about your desires, about contentment? I would love to hear about it.
I realize it has been a bit since I’ve written anything on here. Well, after a little hiatus, I am back.
Most noteworthy: I went to El Salv last week during my spring break. It was so good. I reconnected with friends that I haven’t seen since summer and fell in love once more with this miniscule Central American country. Spanish came even easier than it did last time. It was great to work alongside the Stint team and to get to know them more. As great as it was to be in El Salv with a team of 29 people from Poly, it was really strange to be there without the peeps from my summer project team. Overall, I loved my week there, and wouldn’t have chosen to spend my money or time any other way. The Lord has placed a special passion on my heart for the people of this country, and he whispers so gently and clearly into my heart while I am there. Will the future hold more trips to El Slav? Only my Savior knows. Needless to say, it was wonderful to be back.
In other news: school is so lame. I seriously detest it sometimes. I used to have this passion for learning and eagerly anticipated the start of a new quarter. I would listen to my professors in lecture, hanging on their every word, hoping that they would notice my excitement for their classes. Now I just sit there, ho-hum, watching the seconds tick away on the clock in the back of the room, hoping the professor doesn’t notice how frequently I turn my head and look backwards to check the time. I had to buy two tiny (around 200 p) French texts for about $250, and I can’t even really read them (because, let’s face it…I don’t really comprehend French). I have homework for the first time tonight, and I feel myself growing more and more apathetic towards the text. In this case, I’m not so happy to be back.
Economics update: back in the work force. Double timing. I’m starting to Nanny for two families here in SLO for just a few hours a week. Sophia, a 3 year old whose energy is only surpassed by her immense appetite should be a handful. After watching her last night, I had a nightmare that it was my responsibility to put her to bed. Oh dear. Cassius, a 3 week old boy is so tiny and so sweet. I hope I don’t break him when I hold him. Baby got back.
Forecast: finally submitted my application to Campus Crusade today. It’s official folks….I’m planning to intern with Crusade here in SLO after I graduate in December. I am excited/nervous/overjoyed/anxious/shaking in my boots. Ministry is my passion. I just love sharing the gospel. I just fear raising support. All of your prayers for my heart are appreciated. I trust a big God for big results. I really do believe that he loves me, that he has a marvelous plan for my life, and that this plan includes joining staff with Campus Crusade. After all of this time wandering away from his fold, making my own plans for the future; I’m following his lead as he calls me back.
I guess that’s all for now. My heart hurts today, and I’m not really sure why. I feel like I’m being refined. And I feel the tender touch of the Lord as he molds me into his image. He is protecting me from what could be big time heartache, and yet I still feel the pang of loss as I surrender my plans to him each day. It is good, hard, stressful, painful, lonely, exciting, satisfying, to be back.
I should be writing my final paper for Neruda right now (hey! cut me some slack…I’m on page 4 of 8…and its not due til Thurs) but instead of writing, I wanna show you this video. The thought of it keeps interrupting my writing because it is so stinkin’ funny! I hate cats, but I still love this!
Went line dancing last night. Had a blast. Didn’t know what I was missing out on all this time by staying at home all these Thursday nights. Gonna kick up my heels and head out line dancing when I can manage it from here on out! I will say that cowboy boots are no small investment…
John and I will definitely not lose the next Salvadorian dance contest we enter.
…is being sure of what we hope for, certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)
Faith is scary. But I know that the God I serve is faithful, and that he goes before me in all that I do.
I was meditating on faith last night as I was praying over my plans for the future. My dear dear friend (she’s my bosom friend, for you Anne of Green Gables fans) Brook shared some wisdom from the Word of God with me that was so encouraging that I thought I would share it with you too (it’s from Psalm 37:23-24):
If the LORD delights in a man’s way,
he makes his steps firm;
though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD uphold him with his hand.
This article changed my perspective on discerning God’s will about a year ago, and I am just now really getting to test out what it means to follow the Lord’s will in terms of big life decisions. Check it out.
I realize this is a pretty random post… but I just wanted to share a little of what the Holy Spirit is teaching me these days.
Most of you have already heard that I will be going back to El Salvador with a team from Cal Poly over our spring break. We are scheduled to leave late on March 20th and will be back on the 28th. I am so excited to be going back, and even more excited to say that there is a team of close to 30 that is going! What a blessing! This will be somewhat of a vision trip, a way for Poly students to get their feet wet and see what ministry in El Salv looks like. We will be working with the STINT team to share the gospel on some of the same campuses I was on this summer.
We had our first official team meeting on Friday, and I am thrilled about our team. Jacob and Caellin will be leading the trip, and there will be several other staff members from SLO Crusade joining. Jacob asked us to go around the circle and introduce ourselves. We also had to use one word to describe our feelings about the trip to El Salv, and announce our favorite color. Most used some variant of the word ”excited” (think stoked, pumped, very excited and VERY VERY excited), which is great. I said I was “compelled.” I am compelled to go back. Please be praying for this enthusiastic group!
In other news, about 2/3 of the team loves the color blue.
We were also encouraged by Caellin to go out sharing on the Cal Poly campus over the next 3 weeks, to get in the swing of campus ministry. I appreciate your prayers for our ministry here and in Central America…I have already made plans to go out to do Soularium with a friend on mine on Tuesday! Should be wonderful.
I find myself weighing out decisions for so many areas of my life lately. I came across this quote from C.S. Lewis that appears in his book The Four Loves. I feel like it pretty much sums up how I feel about making decisions, about taking action on a life I can be passionate about. Passionate is what I want my life to be, but if there is one thing I have learned, it is that passion is not safe. It is not comfortable. But steered by and surrendered to the Almighty God, it is oh so good.
There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to be sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket–safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
Here’s to living a life that is full of vulnerability, full of pain, full of growth, full of passion. Here’s to the abundant life that I was created to live…even in the midst of a fallen world.
We sat on the edge of the sea. It was night, and our backs were turned to the water. We could hear the sound of the waves breaking in the darkness. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and as we sat on the brim of the continent the stars shone brightly, luring us to gaze into their infinite beauty.
As we sat, my eyes wandered up and up, wondering at the vastness of the universe, in awe of the Creator and his amazing creation. I sent up a silent prayer of thanks when my wandering eyes caught a glimpse of Orion, who was stretched out in the sky directly behind my head. The jewels of his belt glittered in the blackness, more brightly than they do when he appears above my inland home. I could see his strong shoulders and his arms stretched out above his head, a constant guardian of the galaxy. He was arrayed in the glory of the cosmos, and I managed to turn my head toward the sea to take in momentary glances of the constellation, so that I might capture the image of his noble stature in my tiny memory.
Suddenly, I felt him move beside me. We had been sitting cross-legged, listening to the story, half lulled by the rhythm of the deep at our backs. He turned his body a quarter of a circle, so that he faced the water and me. I watched him from the corner of my own distracted eye. His eyes searched the night sky, and came to rest on Orion. After a moment, he closed his eyes and breathed out. In that instant, I knew his thoughts. Did he know mine also? I turned my face toward him and aligned my sight with his.
I wanted to whisper, “Orion is my favorite,” into his ear, but feared that my words would be drowned out by the crash of the black waves on the shore. I feared too that perhaps he wasn’t thinking about the majestic Orion at all. I doubted what I had been sure of only a moment before; I doubted that I knew his private contemplations, and realized that I only wished that I could be acquainted with them. Had I been bolder, more courageous, I would have leaned in to him and murmured of my admiration of Orion, my lips almost brushing his ear, just to be sure that he heard me over the roar of the sea. But I kept my would-be utterance to myself, content to guess at his musing and to watch his soft, dark eyes probe the night sky.
It was enough to sit beside him and to enjoy the cosmic view.
As mentioned in the previous post….I went to June Mountain to ski with some of my best friends. Turns out that I went over Valentine’s Day. Now, Valentines Day isn’t really a big deal for us single folks. Actually, the Valentines Days when I was dating someone really weren’t a big deal to me either, come to think of it.
Anyway, while I was away, some dear soul left these flowers for me. Brook called me to let me know, and being addicted to my cell phone as I am, I answered her call in the middle of a ski run. Awesome. She was excited and told me that I had received an anonymous valentine. She proceeded to read the note that came with the beautiful yellow roses. I have to tell you, it is one of the nicest things anyone has ever written to me. And people do write nice things to me from time to time, and this still stands out as one of the more heartfelt things I have heard.
To my anonymous friend- thank you so very much! Your kindness is so appreciated. Know that you have encouraged me and have really brightened my life. Thanks.
Now…who could this mystery rose-giver be? My first instinct is a woman, and a spiritual mentor. No offense intended if the giver was in fact a male who has no spiritual connection to me…I’m just going from context clues on the note. Also, if they are in fact from a man, it would have been helpful to know who he is, if ya know what I mean. My friends and I were thinking it was Caellin Douglas, but she denies it. Hmmmm.
Here are the flowers themselves….take a gander at the note:
D on my French midterm. I can’t say I’m surprised….I gave up studying to go to June for the weekend. My prof gave this really depressing lecture to our class before he handed the exams back. He kept saying he was how he wasn’t sure how our class was doing so poorly. I just braced myself, and wasn’t too hurt because it turns out my 64% is one percent higher than the median. The worst was that my prof wrote on my exam IN ENGLISH (a big deal for a fool who considers himself too good for it most of the time) the word: disappointing. He drew an arrow on the paper from the word “disappointing” to my work and to the directions for the section. I guess he just wanted to grind it into my brain that I misread the directions. As if I didn’t realize it from my lack of points for the section. My bad.
Good news though. This is what I did instead of studying for the better grade:
worth it:
Neruda says “Hay que vivir la vida.”
Prof. Kennelly says: “Restez à la maison et étudiez.”
