I find myself weighing out decisions for so many areas of my life lately. I came across this quote from C.S. Lewis that appears in his book The Four Loves. I feel like it pretty much sums up how I feel about making decisions, about taking action on a life I can be passionate about. Passionate is what I want my life to be, but if there is one thing I have learned, it is that passion is not safe. It is not comfortable. But steered by and surrendered to the Almighty God, it is oh so good.
There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to be sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket–safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
Here’s to living a life that is full of vulnerability, full of pain, full of growth, full of passion. Here’s to the abundant life that I was created to live…even in the midst of a fallen world.
We sat on the edge of the sea. It was night, and our backs were turned to the water. We could hear the sound of the waves breaking in the darkness. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and as we sat on the brim of the continent the stars shone brightly, luring us to gaze into their infinite beauty.
As we sat, my eyes wandered up and up, wondering at the vastness of the universe, in awe of the Creator and his amazing creation. I sent up a silent prayer of thanks when my wandering eyes caught a glimpse of Orion, who was stretched out in the sky directly behind my head. The jewels of his belt glittered in the blackness, more brightly than they do when he appears above my inland home. I could see his strong shoulders and his arms stretched out above his head, a constant guardian of the galaxy. He was arrayed in the glory of the cosmos, and I managed to turn my head toward the sea to take in momentary glances of the constellation, so that I might capture the image of his noble stature in my tiny memory.
Suddenly, I felt him move beside me. We had been sitting cross-legged, listening to the story, half lulled by the rhythm of the deep at our backs. He turned his body a quarter of a circle, so that he faced the water and me. I watched him from the corner of my own distracted eye. His eyes searched the night sky, and came to rest on Orion. After a moment, he closed his eyes and breathed out. In that instant, I knew his thoughts. Did he know mine also? I turned my face toward him and aligned my sight with his.
I wanted to whisper, “Orion is my favorite,” into his ear, but feared that my words would be drowned out by the crash of the black waves on the shore. I feared too that perhaps he wasn’t thinking about the majestic Orion at all. I doubted what I had been sure of only a moment before; I doubted that I knew his private contemplations, and realized that I only wished that I could be acquainted with them. Had I been bolder, more courageous, I would have leaned in to him and murmured of my admiration of Orion, my lips almost brushing his ear, just to be sure that he heard me over the roar of the sea. But I kept my would-be utterance to myself, content to guess at his musing and to watch his soft, dark eyes probe the night sky.
It was enough to sit beside him and to enjoy the cosmic view.
As mentioned in the previous post….I went to June Mountain to ski with some of my best friends. Turns out that I went over Valentine’s Day. Now, Valentines Day isn’t really a big deal for us single folks. Actually, the Valentines Days when I was dating someone really weren’t a big deal to me either, come to think of it.
Anyway, while I was away, some dear soul left these flowers for me. Brook called me to let me know, and being addicted to my cell phone as I am, I answered her call in the middle of a ski run. Awesome. She was excited and told me that I had received an anonymous valentine. She proceeded to read the note that came with the beautiful yellow roses. I have to tell you, it is one of the nicest things anyone has ever written to me. And people do write nice things to me from time to time, and this still stands out as one of the more heartfelt things I have heard.
To my anonymous friend- thank you so very much! Your kindness is so appreciated. Know that you have encouraged me and have really brightened my life. Thanks.
Now…who could this mystery rose-giver be? My first instinct is a woman, and a spiritual mentor. No offense intended if the giver was in fact a male who has no spiritual connection to me…I’m just going from context clues on the note. Also, if they are in fact from a man, it would have been helpful to know who he is, if ya know what I mean. My friends and I were thinking it was Caellin Douglas, but she denies it. Hmmmm.
Here are the flowers themselves….take a gander at the note:
D on my French midterm. I can’t say I’m surprised….I gave up studying to go to June for the weekend. My prof gave this really depressing lecture to our class before he handed the exams back. He kept saying he was how he wasn’t sure how our class was doing so poorly. I just braced myself, and wasn’t too hurt because it turns out my 64% is one percent higher than the median. The worst was that my prof wrote on my exam IN ENGLISH (a big deal for a fool who considers himself too good for it most of the time) the word: disappointing. He drew an arrow on the paper from the word “disappointing” to my work and to the directions for the section. I guess he just wanted to grind it into my brain that I misread the directions. As if I didn’t realize it from my lack of points for the section. My bad.
Good news though. This is what I did instead of studying for the better grade:
worth it:
Neruda says “Hay que vivir la vida.”
Prof. Kennelly says: “Restez à la maison et étudiez.”
Seriously. Would it kill the Sunset Drive In to let us know what movie they’re gonna be showing in 3 days? I’m just in the dark about it. I would love to know what movie it is, cause I’m inviting the business unplugged to go on Friday night. I have no stinkin’ idea how its gonna go down. Here’s hoping the business majors show up anyway!
i wish i had more creative energy right now. your poetry is great. i’m just pooped, and can’t come up with anything good to say about your poems. i’m sorry. hopefully the writer’s block will clear before tomorrow at 2, when the essay is due. hope you’re proud of your beloved communist party.
I was sitting in Ms. Avery’s 11th grade AP English class at SLOHS today, flipping through the literary anthology the students use when I came across a familiar poem from my own jr. year of High School.
T.S. Eliot’s “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” captured my attention when I was 16, but I had all but forgotten what it was about over the last 4 years. As I glanced over the lyrical poem today, I realized I really sympathize with Eliot. He’s just trying to have a conversation at a party, ya know? He’s sitting there, trying to come up with stuff to say to this girl that gives him the heeby-jeebies. The poem struck a chord in my own life and therefore I have chosen a new title for the story I wrote back in December. Henceforth, it will be called “The Love Song of S. Beth Kelly.”
And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?
……..
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.
…….
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Mondays normally aren’t so great, and I have to be honest, mine started out about status quo. However, things took a turn for the better during my discipleship appointment with Caellin this afternoon. Here’s a list of reasons why today was a great day:
1. Decided that I’m going to El Salv. for spring break….last minute, I’ll admit. Am I 5 days past the sign-up deadline? Yes. Yes I am. But I’m still going. I’m stoked.
2. Had a great swim workout with Brook at the Rec Center. I really love working out with my dear friend! I feel this deep, good tired feeling, which is great.
3. Received an email from my French prof this weekend saying that the high score on our midterm last week was 83%, and the average as in the F range. Bummer. I got my exam back today, expecting the worse. I was thrilled to find out I got a 79%. Never have I been so thrilled to get a C.
4.
I may elaborate on #4 at a more appropriate time. Until then, just know its good.
