Angry.

I am so mad at Satan.  He knows my weakness, knows how I crumble in the face of conflict.  Grrr.  I refuse to let him get the best of me today, to let him rule my emotions and thus my actions.  I covet the prayers of the one person that reads this blog (who are you, by the way?).

I am so vulnerable, so broken right now, thanks to shattered emotional intimacy left in the wake of a break up.  I drew so much of my identity from this man (who is a good guy, by the way…don’t get the wrong idea about him), and I relied on him for my value and my happiness, and a sort of false joy.  I know true joy in this time, a joy that comes only from obeying the Lord.  I also know true sorrow, rejection thanks to the fact that I’m single.  I am angry at Satan, but I won’t let him rule my day! 

I surrender my day to you, Lord. You are worthy of my praise and of my obedience.  Your strength is made perfect in my weakness!

Also, read Annie Groves’ blog.  It is the best thing ever.  She is so wise. Her wisdom is really helping me hear from the Lord today.

Heartbreak.

It happens to so many.  I somehow thought I was immune, that I wouldn’t feel the pain of a dying romance.  How wrong I was.  I read and was convicted by Rob Bell in his book Sex God:

Maybe you’re living in the wake of a relationship that fell apart [ahem].  You have to dig those moments up.  The parts that hurt and the awkward conversations and the anger and the failure and the misunderstanding and the betrayal.  You have to dig them up and acknowledge them before you are ever going to heal.

The danger is that you will decide it isn’t worth it.  Why risk if it’s going to hurt like this?  The tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to be built around your heart, and for something within you to die.

I don’t want something within me to die.  I don’t want to shut down.  So I sat down and I prayed.  Tears started to flow.  Tears of hot anger and frustration, disappointment and hurt, boiling over and cooling my flushed cheeks.  I need to risk, to feel what is going on around me so that the Lord who has called me to obey him can take me, mold me, use me.  My immunity to feeling was stripped away from me, and I felt vulnerable for the fist time in months.

Then my praises to the Creator began.  He loves me, has called me, and wants me to lay vulnerable at his feet, so that all I can do is rely on him.  He is my strength and my salvation.  He loves me, and whispers to me of this unfathomable love in amazing ways.  The sweetness of a sunrise, the prayer of a friend, the beauty of San Luis Obispo…just a few ways he shows me his love.  What a wonderful lover.  

It feels good to let it all out, lay it down at his nail scarred feet.

 

PS- read this:

Community

Ok, so I started this blog as a way to update supporters about my time in El Salvador, but I’m back.  I want to write.  I have an urge to say what’s on my mind.  I don’t think anyone reads this, but I’m putting it out there anyway.

 

I was thinking this morning about a poem I wrote my sophomore year of high school.  It was my first week at Bakersfield Christian High School, and my assignment was to write a “poem” about myself.  Here’s the catch:  it was “color by numbers” poem.  The format was there, I just had to stick in information about my own life.  I wish I had the whole poem so I could reproduce it here, but all I could think of was this line:

Sara…who needs Jesus, family, relationships.

And its still true.  I need Jesus, a reconciled relationship with my Creator and the lover of my soul.  I really need family, in a variety of forms for many reasons.  And I really really need real human interaction (ok, I know Christ is enough, but human interaction makes life so much more bearable).  I need to laugh, cry and share with those around me.  Thanks to the grace and the goodness of God, I finally have those relationships I actually lacked 5 years ago when the poem was written.  He has answered my prayer to have friends, acquaintances and other interaction with people.  I was so reminded of this today as I laughed and shared with so many people at the SLO Bound Crusade table.

I met some great people, and really got to know a few in particular.  God is so great!  He continues to answer the prayer of a lonely 15 year old girl, who knows that there is more to life than living in a hole.  I am working on trusting in Him every single day with every area of my life.  Why doesn’t that come easy even when I see the fruit of his blessing?